An email to me

Apparently Britain still has at least one civil servant with a sense of
humour!!


Subject: The Inland Revenue replies to a letter . . . .
This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had
to ask for special permission to print it:
Dear Mr .......,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points
you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a
"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a
"tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for
reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent
whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the
doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the
other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their
being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant
gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to
the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In
common with my own
organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see
you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More
likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility
to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned
party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the
funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little
off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for
Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you
have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking
façade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries 1. The reason
we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the
vagaries of the postal system; 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the
very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been
considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't
render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it
financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way
wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point
out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and
go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it
to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
...........

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